"UFO: We Chat as We Tour the Cosmos" by John T. Jones, Ph.D.

I was watering the petunias when Xrytspet from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 and her fellow planet man, Silzrack, showed up.

I said, "Scram, Xrytspet! Take that fire-haired, overgrown, sprouting-potato with you."

She waved Silzrack away. "You could be more polite, Taylor Jones, the hack writer. I think you would know that if you could share Silzrack's feelings right now."

I said, "Don't you have something important to do, Xrytspet? Why don't you take a fast flight to K-1 and polish the FnL7 Time Craft?"

She said, "Do you mean Chogori, which in Balti language means the king of mountains?"

At times, Xrytspet seems to know everything there is to know. I said, "That's the very one. Now go!"

The name, Chogori,is little known outside of Pakistan. I learned that at http://www.everestnews.com/k2history.htm. There is a humdinger of a pic of K-2 at that site.

Xrytspet said, "You're coming with me. I can use a little help. Sprucing up the FnL7 Time Craft at 8,611 meters (28,251 ft) is a slow process."

I was getting tired of Xrytspet. I said, "I'm not going with you, Xrytspet. I've got to water these petunias. Go!"

That was on May 17th. We got back last night. It was colder here in Idaho than on K-2's summit.

Well, the fact is that we never stopped at K-2.

We whizzed by at mach four and hardly got a glimpse of the mountain.

The next thing I knew we were out in space and Jupiter was a silver dime. Xrytspet had used the giant planet as a slingshot to give us more speed.

Then our sun became a distant star. If there were monster, trash-stopping planets, you would never know it.

That's my theory.

God put the humongous planets of out solar system out yonder to collect space debris so that not so much would hit the inner planets, especially earth.

I told Xrytspet that our No Name Moon also protects our earth from such.

The earth has to be protected. I said, "Earth is where God's greatest creation lives. Man!"

"Stinking theory!" said Xrytspet. "The earth has had a half dozen extinction periods and there will probably be more. More than one huge fast-moving space object has impacted the earth."

She paused to study our space position and then said, "Everyone but an earthling ediot knows that God put the big planets out there because they look pretty."

She couldn't stop giggling about my remark about man being God's greatest creation.

On a long space journey, you have to talk about something. Time means nothing. You talk and talk and talk. I said, "Xrytspet, where does God live? Does he live in our universe or outside our universe? What would be best for him?"

She said, "Darned if I know."

I said, "Xrytspet, how many planets have life?"

She said, "Don't ask me, maybe a zillion."

I said, "Wow! There are men like me walking on a zillion planets."

She said, "Not exactly. There is a law in heaven that says, God does not make the same mistake twice.

I said, "That was not a kind remark, Xrytspet."

She said, "The truth is not always pleasant to the ears of a short-lived earthling that poops too much."

I said, "Well, maybe I could poop if you fed me the right food on these flights."

She said, "Now do you really want that?"

I said, "No. I guess we could never handle a plethora of poop. "

I sucked on another of her Body Maintenance Lozenges. It was a new flavor. Trinlidium Banzleberry. UMM!

Space travel can be tedious, especially if you are sharing your time with Xrytspet.

I thought about Xrytspet's remark: God does not make the same mistake twice.

I sat on the floor of the spacecraft and pulled my knees up to my chin. Then I rolled over onto my side into the security of the fetal position.

I said, "Mama!"

"Gotcha!" said Xrytspet.

The End